My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
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Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Legend 🤣🤣
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.