You’re the unreachable booger of people.
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‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.