In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
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I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls