person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
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Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Seems kinda suspicious
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Bros before Ohioes
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.