“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
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Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu