If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
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And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.