A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
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The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes