First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
You Might Also Like
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!