Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
You Might Also Like
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this