I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
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Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.