Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
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People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Bootstraps
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.