I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
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I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.