I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
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Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2