“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
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I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
no their not
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*