Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
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Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.