If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
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Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.