Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
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Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home