Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
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friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
doing your own taxes
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
jesus, what did this guy do
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash