I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
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I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
“I wouldn’t.”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
i will not be silenced
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”