Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
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My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
#damn
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Nose
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah