When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
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*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.