website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
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1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
who wore it better?
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.