Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
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birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
bout dat hot dog summer
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit