Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
You Might Also Like
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.