Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?