I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
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If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars