Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
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7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Venn