The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
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If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Sniffing the broccoli
Ooops wrong house😂😜
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.