When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
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Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Um … Hot Wings please