The future is now.
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My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
According to math, I’m broke