I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.