All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
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(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”