When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
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For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.