Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
You Might Also Like
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.