{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
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If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I love twitter
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.