[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
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Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
This hospital has everything
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
smartest karate player in the world
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute