Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
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I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up