*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
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I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
This is no longer winter this is harassment
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.