cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
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Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.