Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
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I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
*orders delivery*
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?