One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
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me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.