Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
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No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead