My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
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*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣