running feels great unless you compare it to not running
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FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
This rocks
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.