*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
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I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.