Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
You Might Also Like
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff