Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
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I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
black phone good
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂