[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
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Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears