Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
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The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE