I bet
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Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
🤣could you imagine
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.